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Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering. [entries|friends|calendar]
♠Master Rendar♠

[ website | wwwdotshmuksdotcom ]
[ userinfo | livejournal userinfo ]
[ calendar | livejournal calendar ]

once again... [19 Jul 2009|10:51pm]
Im starting to realize that im becoming more like my dad, and that scares me a lot.

A couple years ago I wrote an entry here on livejournal about how im becoming like my dad and how I want to change. Years later I find myself feeling the same way. This time I believe it is coming true. With everything that has been going on in my life, people telling me that Im to distant, not being able to express my feelings, why cant I change?

Ive cut down on my drinking and stopped smoking weed. Im a social drinker. I need to have a drink in order for me to socialize with others. If not, im sitting alone not talking and being really anti-social. I hate that. I hate that I need to have a drink to be a social person. Why do I need to have a drink to talk to people? Its a problem I have had for a long time. A long time.

Being distant sucks. I cant help it. Another problem Ive had for a really long time. It affects me in many ways. Mostly my relstionships with friends and girlfriends. I guess I feel like Im scared of getting hurt. As much as I want to be close to peoeple, I always think of the worst. What do I mean? Imagine always thinking that your bestfriend or girlfriend will do something behind your back and finding out about it later. Such a sad way to live right? It started when my ex girlfriend Alejandra cheated on me. I loved her. A lot. It hurt soo much when I found out she cheated on me. I felt dead. My trust in her was lost. Yet I forgave her but the thought that she would do it again was still in my head. Not just the thought that she would do it again, my the image of her cheating on me was in my head. I knew how the guy looked and where she did it. I hated not being able to take that thought out of my head. It fucked me up for good.

That was 2 years ago, almost 3. Ive gotten over her but not pain of being cheated on. Im apply that feeling to every girl Ive dated since Alejandra. Its not fair to the girl. I do it anyways. I cant help it. I have trust issues. Big time. I think I need to see someone for that. Ive been told its not healthy. Also listening to Alkaline Trio and Heavens will writting this is not helping.

So going back to the whole "im becoming like my dad" thing, yes I believe that I am. Im going to continue this blog later. I have to much in my head. Need to think.
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[17 Jul 2009|12:37am]
[ mood | bored ]

i need to update this soon. maybe tomorrow. maybe.

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blah [23 Dec 2008|12:07pm]
[ mood | blah ]

another xmas and new years without anybody. im starting to think ima end up alone till i die. nobody loves me. haha oh well.

hope everybody else has a merry xmas and happy new year. i should start writing in this thing more. i miss livejournal.

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[02 Feb 2008|07:03pm]
anybody here still alive? haha
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[21 Feb 2007|09:43pm]
[ mood | bored ]

I turn 24 this year. I'm about the reach my mid 20's. Scary.

This year is going well so far.

Okay thats it.

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Blah... [17 Jan 2007|07:32pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

Holly shit I'm still alive!!! And this Starbucks is making my head spin. Yay!

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[17 Jan 2006|10:25pm]
I run away from my problems. Never wanting to face them. I hold my feeling inside of me. One day their all going to come out. I will meet my end.
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[12 Dec 2005|10:56pm]
[ mood | sleepy ]

Last night was the xmas party for my job. Had such a good time. One of the best nights I've had in a really long time. It was open bar so you know I was gonna get drunk. It was cool hanging out with my co-workers. Im really glad I went. And to think I was gonna stay home and be bored. Fuck that! Pictures!!!Collapse )

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Music is dead... [05 Nov 2005|04:36pm]
I fuckin' love that one rock video where that fucking jack-ass mohawked millionaire prances around by far the worst sausage party on earth, where by mere chance he's caught on film shaking hands with an incredibly diverse collection of patriotic skins. I like the message it sends: With a Rebel yell, Just Do Exactly What You're Told. One million douche bags can't be wrong? "When did punk rock become so safe?" You'll excuse me if I laugh in your face as I itemize your receipts and PowerPoint your balance sheets. I hear this year's Vans Warped Tour is "going green!" I guess they heard that money grows on trees. Hope they ship all those shitty bands overseas like they did the factories. Music's power to describe, compel, renew... It's all a distant second to the offers you can't refuse. Anyone remember when we used to believe that music was a sacred place and not some fucking bank machine? Not something you just bought and sold? How could we have been so naive? Well, I think when all is said and done, just cause we were young doesn't mean we were wrong. And I'll rock back and forth on this two-bit hobbyhorse 'til she splinters and gives way. I'll tend the flowers by her grave. And whisper her name. If anyone out there understands can I please see a show of hands just so I know I'm not insane? Ever get the feeling you've been played? Well, that's rock for sustainable capitalism and you know, we may face a scorched and lifeless earth, but they're accountable to their shareholders first. That's how the world works.
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[02 Nov 2005|11:03am]
[ mood | bored ]

So dodecahedron posted all her dvd's that she owns. So I thought of doing the same. Since my dvds are already alphabatized.

Artificial Intelligence
Ace Ventura Pet Detective
Almost Famous
American Me
Back To The Future(box set)
Black Hawk Down
Boyz N The Hood
Chris Rock Always Scared
Dracula Dead And Loving It
Dawn Of The Dead
Dumb And Dumber
End Of Days
Falling Down
Fight Club
Hell-Cat Give Em The Boot
Half Baked
Higher Learning
Idle Hand
Jackie Brown
JackAss The Movie
Karate Kid
Karate Kid Part 2
Karate Kid Part 3
Land Of The Dead
Last Days
Matrix Reloaded
Matrix Revolution
Night Of The Living Dead
Nofx 10 Years Of Fuckin Up
Naked Gun 33 1/3 The Final Insult
Napoleon Dynamite
Nother Another Teen Movie
Night At The Roxbury
Office Space
Pulp Fiction
Reservoir Dogs
Resident Evil
Road Fools 1&2
Road Fools 11
SNL Best Of Will Ferrell
Swing Kids
School Of Rock
SLC Punks
Starship Troopers
Simpsons Tree House Of Horror
Star Wars Clone Wars
Star Wars Episode 1 The Phantom Menece
Star Wars Episode 2 Attack Of The Clones
Star Wars Episode 3 Revenge Of The Sith
Star Wars Episode 4 A New Hope
Star Wars Episode 5 The Empire Strikes Back
Star Wars Episode 6 Return Of The Jedi
The Cable Guy
The Truman Show
The Crow
The Next Karate Kid
Texas ChainSaw Massacre

I thought I had more. Well I didnt put my vhs list so maybe thats why.

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[03 Jul 2005|02:00pm]
[ mood | hungry ]

I love 4th of July. Its time for bbq, spend time with the family and friends. Watch some kick ass fireworks!

Im not sleeping well again. I really hate when I get like this. I'll text people at 2 in the morning just to say or something. Then I stay up really late at nights. Sometimes Im just in bed doing nothing. Or I might watch tv for a bit. I feel like calling somebody but its really late. I suck.

Im really hungry right now. I should cook something. I havent cooked since I left my last job. Which has been a whole month now. Damn I need to start working again. CPK needs to hurry the fuck up so I can start working! God damn ima be happy once I start working again. The pay is so much better then Keiro. I still wanna buy Heather an xbox and a digital camera.

Oh yeah Im gonna cut off my hair! Its really hott right now. Short hair will be better.

Okay Im bored so ima post some random photos I just took. Nothing cool just random picturesCollapse )

6 comments|post comment

[11 Jun 2005|08:55pm]
[ mood | lonely ]

My name is Miguel and im a fuck up.

[01 May 2004|06:50pm]
has anybody seen the new Avril video?? fuckin hot!! she in her undies!! cute lil ass and all! okay mig calm down.

fuckin shit.
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[25 Apr 2004|07:43pm]
i got a damn keloid or a boil on my ear from my industrial piercing. so i tried to do something about it. i poped it but a shit load of blood came out. then some white liquid stuff. it went down which is good. i dunno i hope i didnt fuck it up. haha to late for me to say that.

i never thought i would pay 70bux for a jacket. and today i did. i got those old school adidas jacket with the 3 strips on the side sleeves. its black with red stripes. i always liked those jackets. i had one in junior high but they took it away cuz it wasnt the uniform color. assholes!

its too freakin hot. i slept naked last nite. its bad for us guys. are balls get all lose and hang down to our knees. haha well its true!

bought a router for the house. now i can plug my xbox to the internet. i love playing xbox live. its the best passtime hobby. well so is playing the drums and masterbating.
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[19 Apr 2004|05:20pm]
[ mood | blah ]

I got this really funny email from Mildred. lil things like that make me love her more.

another person i love is berlyn! she sent me the paris hilton sex tape. when i got it i didnt wanna open the box. it looked all nice with the me first and the gimme gimme paper. it took me like 5mins to open it. it had like 10 layers of tape. hehe thanx again heather!!

we played at the Anarchy Library last tuesday. it was really fun. we all felt weird cuz its a 21+ bar. but the people liked us. they kept yelling "shmuk it up". hehe good times.

we had another show last nite but we didnt end up playing. why? cuz the people at mylocalbands.com are fuckin jerks!! they make a shit load of money off local bands. we had to sell 50 tickets at 10bux each. another thing that sucked about the show was that it was on a sunday. so yeah, they said if we dont sell all the tickets, we still had to give the full amount plus an extra 100bux. what a bunch of assholes!! anyways i felt bad cuz a couple of my friends went down. eek sorry!

i need a hair cut. dont i look cool playing the drums???Collapse )

5 comments|post comment

[06 Apr 2004|04:21pm]
something wrong about this picture.Collapse )
5 comments|post comment

[05 Apr 2004|09:40pm]
[ mood | nervous ]

5:50 doors
6:00-6:30 double clutch
6:45-7:15 hopeless romantic
7:30-8:00 eight fingers down
8:15-8:45 hot like a robot
9:00-9:30 connotation
9:45-10:15 the shmuks
10:30-11:00 scars to show

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blah [04 Apr 2004|11:09am]
I am Nothing!

Which Enemy of the Christian Church Are You?

Take More of Robert & Tim's Quizzes
Watch Robert & Tim's Cartoons

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[03 Apr 2004|07:26pm]
[ mood | bored ]

i have a feeling that most of my neighbors dont like me because
1.we make to much noise when I or my band practice.
2.i throw waaay too many punk shows.
3.i have tattoo's so they might think i do drug and drink.
4.everytime they try and tell me off i tell them to fuck off.

i saw hellboy last night. oh fuck what a waste of my time!! we should have seen Dawn of the Dead again. fuck that movie pissed me off. i went with my friends. we all got soo mad that we just got up in the middle of the movies and screamed "this movie fucking sux". you guys dont know my friends. they are loud mofo's. shit that movie just sucked ass!!

i was really bored today. so i took a drive around silverlake. well i wanted to find the venue that we are playing april 18th. so i went on a mission. and i found the place. fuck that place is huge!! im already getting nervous. its our first time playing a venue. well april 13th will be our first time. oh yeah anarchy library here we come!!!

tomorrow TSOL and the hunns are playing a free show at the key club. and yes i will be there. ive seen TSOL like 5 times already. should be a good show. its free!

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[28 Mar 2004|01:40pm]
[ mood | bored ]

everytime i watch the movie "swingers", it makes me wanna go out to a bar and drink some cool drinks and hang out with my friends. call girls "baby" and tell my friends that their "money". only that sux is that im not 21 and i dont drink. i'll have to wait till june for my 21st b/day. but its fun to dream.

ive been playing Crimson Skies on my xbox waaaaay too much. i play like 4 hours a day. i love playing it online on xbox live. im a nerd.

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